I promise I’m trying to be as positive as possible. But I’ve been thinking about life a lot. I don’t know if it’s because of my near death experience, or because I’m getting to the point in my life where people around me are starting to figure out what they want to do with their lives and I’m hearing about their amazing plans and wondering about the plans of my own.
I am currently in the hospital waiting for my mom to pick me up (don’t worry everything is fine) after my blood transfusion. As a person with a chronic illness, I haven’t really been able to think about life prior to “being sick” or ever being in “remission”. It’s not like getting the flu, where you know that the chances of you surviving are pretty much all in your favor. But it’s also not like some cancer, where if you catch it soon enough, the tumorous part can be removed or you can undergo chemo and have the possibility of being cured. Now, I know that life’s not fair and there isn’t a cure for everything and cancer comes back and kills millions of people, but at least they had the chance to think about life after. At least there was a time where they were “perfectly healthy”.
I don’t get that same luxury. I’ve lived with something that has the potential to kill me since the day that I was born. And for 18 years of my life, I lived believing that there was no cure, until recently. However, the cure also has the potential to kill me too. So now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.
But even after all of this, I’m not bitter or upset. Yeah, sometimes I get into a slump and think about my mortality, most days I don’t. Instead, I try to focus on the good that I have. My family, my friends, the funny things in life. Even in the hospital, surrounded by other sickly children like myself, some no older that 2 years old, there isn’t a sense of despair.
Everyone is just trying to live focusing on the good in their lives. Instead we’re playing Jenga and pushing little shopping carts, pretending to live a life where everything is perfect. In the middle of a laugh, you’re not thinking about how the tube that is sticking out of your arm is part of your chemotherapy treatment, or how you’re sitting in a wheelchair to weak too stand on your own. Instead you’re focused on the moment. It’s crazy how a little happiness can go a long way.
Of course there are a million and one quotes about happiness, and all of them have a nugget of truth to them. Being happy isn’t a permanent thing, everyone has to experience a struggle and each struggle is different. But at the same time, struggle isn’t permanent either.