Sacrificing My First Born Child

Dear First Born,

I didn’t want you to open this letter until you were at the age where you could understand why I did what I did. It’s not that I didn’t love you enough to keep you. Or that I didn’t think that I could provide for you. Or that I didn’t want you to begin with. It is none of those things.

So before I begin, you must know that I did what I did in order to survive.  I know that it may not be easy to understand, and I wish things were different, but once a promise is made, there is no going back.

I was young, I was desperate, I was foolish.

I had nothing left to offer except for the future, and that future was you. I was in college, and finals were upon me. I had been studying so hard and doing the best I could, but it seemed to not be enough. It was a pivotal point in my life, if I failed I might as well forget my dreams and resign to a life of what-ifs and regrets. But, I couldn’t bring myself to do that. So instead I made a bargain.

I swore that if I could make it past this challenging time, and be assured of a successful future, I would give whatever it took, jumping head first, I thought of the consequences later, and I hoped that the day wouldn’t come where I would have to pay my dues. But it did.

When I held you in my arms for the first time, it felt as if everything in the world, all my actions had led up to that very moment. You were so small, so pure, so untouched by the cruelties of the world. I wanted, and still want, nothing but the very best for you, and to be there to make all the pain go away, and to make sure nothing ever hurt you.

When it was time for them to take you away, I was heart broken. I cried and  held you towards me in a hope that some miracle would happen. I realized that my miracle already happened, that it was you. I knew that I couldn’t run from my past anymore.

I sacrificed you for better life, not just for me, but for both of us. I hope you understand that because I made a foolish decision, I had to pay the price. That price was getting to love you, getting to raise you, getting to have you in my life.

I wish I could say that in the moment that I promised to give you up, that I stopped to think about what I was actually doing. But, I didn’t. I was selfish and merely concerned with my own future, not yours.

I love you very much, and I will never stop loving you.

xo

Chid

 

 

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